You need to recognize Tanya Edwards

Go to my gurl4life's blog..http://misstanya.blogspot.com. All that needs to be said is that she is cooler than 98% of the world's population and for that reason alone you need to support. Respek!

I smell another Bruce Willis album...

I can't let another moment go by without saying this...What in the holy grail of hell was Bruce Willis doing rolling mad deep with Puffy at the VMA's last night? I was like, shit, is that coming from my TV?! Is this the early 80's with Eddie Murphy hosting in a tight ass purple leather suit? When is Huey Lewis and News going to perform? And what the hell is this new Coke they are trying to con us into drinking? See if "Moonlighting" was still on the air it would have made a bit more sense, but it's not and it doesn't. Gotta love that Puff keeps careers afloat in the Willis/Moore/Kutcher empire by making sure they get a little airtime..don't ever say that Puff doesn't give back to the community cause I don't want to hear it. Bruce, play on playa, play on.

On another note...I giggled like a little girl getting her first training bra when Outkast closed the show and Andre 3000, with a his hand jauntily in his pocket says, "For the millionth time 'Hey Ya' dammit"...jaded artists make me laugh.

Bjork is scary

Saturday night went to see Margaret Cho at the Apollo and it was pretty damn funny. And by funny I mean that all of Chelsea was uptown and my people did not know what the hell hit them. My cultural road dawg (hell, road dawg all around) Jason "Blickety" Black overheard a gent tell his friend on the phone that something was going on at the Apollo and it seems like there were a whole lot of "gays" there for it. It was very matter of fact, see,we are the world.

I'm done with that intro, let's carry on. So Margaret, being the enlightened, fag hag that she is was doing her usual pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-whatever else leans to the left spiel that had me guffawing along. Most of her act I've heard in some sort of permeneation but she dropped some crazy science when she busted out her riff on the one and only...Bjork. And what she did had me nearly piss myself..for real, it was ugly, I was THAT close to a drop hittin the old Gap Body hipsters. (Sidenote: Those panties are IT...sexy and cute along with covering the milkshake like no one's business, bravo Gap, bravo...in case anyone from the Gap comes across this feel free to send me a box..size small and preferably black..., hit me on the e-mail, I'll give you the dets...merci beaucoup mes amis!)

So MC starts talking about the things that scare her in the world, Republicans, fundamentalists and...Bjork. She busts out in the pixie voice and start doing some weird "Icelandic" dance while singing "I've Seen It All" and then "Pagan Poetry". Okay, might not seem like big deal but who the HELL does that and then breaks it down about how she is a little animal and could snap at any moment. Now close your eyes and just picture the Cho flitting about stopping in mid motion and giving a little growl like a warthog--the sound that she pictures Bjork making when she attacks. It's truly funny for the fact that Bjork did attack someone once...well one time we know about.

If you don't already know this story let me set the scene. Years ago Bjork was in an airport in Bangkok and a reporter tried to approarch her and her son, when Bjork heard the woman try to talk to her (BTW...the woman was welcoming her to their city) it all of a sudden became Wild Kingdom. The sprite jumped out of her skin, grabbed the woman by the head and pretty much worked out some shit that would have made 50 Cent, N.W.A., and Naomi Campbell combined proud. (Don't act like you don't remember, or don't think it was kinda fierce when the "Omi" chucked her cellphone at her assistant's head...when the help trips you trip back.) I mean, I know a transatlantic voyage will fuck up your constitution but goddamn. Anyhoo, MC told the story and her interpretation was dead on...all the way up to her recreating what Bjork said (creative license taken on Ms. Cho's part) when she actually called the woman to apologize, (pixie voice) "Hello, I'm sorry I tried to rip your eyes out."

For real, trust me, it was FUNNY. Jim (who I was sitting next, and Jason's boo) and I kept holding on to each other for dear life because we were laughing so hard and wanted her to stop because the stomach cramps from all the laughter was too much to take.

Moral of the story, if they ever film it...Netflix that jammie, and just flip through as many "chapters" on the DVD till you get to the "Bjork" moment and just settle into the fact that singing elves* are funny and crazy.

(*Okay, I really don't think she is an elf, but it sounds good, and no matter how "crazy" or how Chow Yun Fat she gets she is fierce...once you write "Big Time Sensuality" you can do whatever you want in my book.)

Old People + Terrorism Threat = Hilarity!

Golden Girl Causes Terrorist Scare in Boston

Golden Girls star Bea Arthur sparked a security scare at Boston's
Logan International Airport earlier this week when she tried to board
a flight with a pocketknife in her handbag. The actress, 81, was
about to board a Cape Air flight when a Transportation Security
Administration (TSA) agent discovered the offensive article in her
belongings, which is strictly forbidden on airplanes since the
September 11th attacks. A fellow passenger says, "She started yelling
that it wasn't hers and said 'The terrorists put it there'. She kept
yelling about the 'terrorists, the terrorists, the terrorists'."
After the knife was confiscated by TSA officials, the funnywoman
pulled out a key ring from her bag and told the agent it belonged to
the "terrorists", before throwing it at them. As she boarded the
plane, the Emmy-winning star told the TSA employees, "We're all
doomed." A spokeswoman for Cape Air says, "Miss Arthur was cracking
jokes and was a real character."

Really, there is no reason for me to try and be pithy, it's all here...End scene.

Like the Wu-Tang, Jenna Jameson is for the kids...

"I look at these girls today, taking on six guys and doing bukkakes, and I think, 'What the hell are they doing?' These girls don't know that you have to start slow, baby, and make them pay you more for each thing you do. In my day you hardly had to have sex, let alone two dicks up your ass." (Rolling Stone Magazine, 8/2/04)

...and who says that women in the sex industry don't respect themselves?! My girl need to get herself a lecturing gig at the New School right quick. If she does she can tell me what the fuck bukkakes are. Seriously, love the Jenna, cracks me the hell up, work it out honey!

On a different Rolling Stone tip: There is fashion spread with Andre 3000 of Outkast and Kate Moss in this latest issue...is it me or does it have some kind of fey Mandingo vibe about it? Just wanted to throw that out there.

Thank you and good night.

I would like to share...

...that the George Michael "Behing the Music" was AWESOME! Okay, NOW we all know he is gay as the day is long but shit, how the hell was I not wise about it as a child and teen?! The reason GM is my boo for life is the fact that during his interview he broke it down and was like, "Hello? All the clues were there. Did you see what I was wearing and doing?" Um, good point, good point. Also, let's me just say that WHAM! had some great songs and when my man went solo it was over...just take out Faith, put on some "Father Figure" and don't try and pretend that was NOT the jam of 1987. I bet my pinky toe, some import CD's and a round of dranks you can't!

...that Tom Robbins' "Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates" is just one of those books in which you wish your subway commute was twice as long so you could read more. I'm only a quarter through it but I'm going to jump out on a limb and say I won't be disappointed. The main character is a CIA agent that does a lot of "troubleshooting" for the agency and is in love with his 16 year old stepsister...really, it's funny, trust me! Another character I love is his grandmother, she goes by the name "Maestra" because it sounds good and she doesn't like the vibe of "grandma". Old broad breaks things down for him that are genius such as:
"Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you're a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace--and maybe even glory."

...that I love my friend Jason for just calling to me to ask why Naomi Watts continues to get famous. When I tell him I totally agree and I don't know why he tells me to call him back when I get to my office so we can work it out. That is fierce. He also took me too see Michael McDonald for my birthday last year...yeah, we took it to the streets and then some.

...that US weekly just gets dumber and dumber. Regardless, if my mag is not in my mailbox on Friday night I act like a Jennifer Jason Leigh in "Rush" right before Jason Patric fucks the addiction** right out her...all angry and crawling on the floor, looking for anything to take the pain away...while screaming at the voices in my head. My Time Out New York and Entertainment Weekly are there but I throw that shit dramatically to side in the hopes that my US Weekly is wedged somewhere in that little silver box. I don't know what it is, the pictures of stars being just like "US" or the promise of a story that is going to tell me what "really" is going on in Justin and Cameron's relationship. It's all fucking stupid and takes 10 minutes to read but it's like crack. Okay, I've never done crack, but I'm pretty sure that is what it is like...and goddammit a yearlong subscription probably costs the same. In the immortal words of Chris Rock as "Pookie" in New Jack City, "That shit be calling me, I got to go to it." Jesus, release me from this tabloid prison...

(**Apparently anal sex will cure a pesky heroin addicition...I don't know what they are doing at the Betty Ford Clinic but they might want to check that out, just a suggestion, I don't want to step on anyone's toes here.)

The Knitting Factory newsletter is fun-nay!

Okay, so most newsletters I think nothing about, but the one sent out by the Knitting Factory cracks me the hell up. Just wanted to give a shout out to the dude that puts this together and give you a few excepts...Keep in mind that he just randomly talks about shit before he gets to the music:


FROM 8/20:
So I have given up trying not to get into the Olympics. I spent last night watching the U.S. lose (they got a silver medal but whatever; who wants to wear Hush Puppies when you could have had on Topsiders) to Romania, the whole time clutching my girlfriends hand like it was a bottle of Cristal & I was P Diddy down at Cipriani. I mean I am a grown ass man and I now have an interest in womens gymnastics. WTF?! Thanks NBC for making me feel like a dirty old man at the tender age of 28.


FROM 8/13:
Arrrgh! Anybody else come dangerously close to having a coronary while trying to get Pixies tickets today? I swear if I wouldnt have got those tickets I would screamed like a braces & training-bra 12 yr old at a Jessica Simpson show. That said, tickets to our shows can be acquired at www.KnittingFactory.com; and I promise that you wont have to wait through pre-sale hell to get them.

Gold Smold

I still can't stand that little beast Carly Patterson. She's just a flexible Amanda Bynes lookalike that needs her spirit crushed. That being said, I totally missed the Woman's Gymnastics All Around so I didn't have the chance to kick my TV over when she got the gold. Sometimes an open bar event(and a gift bag) makes you realize that the Olympics can't keep you warm at night...but free booze sure as hell can.

Things I'm loving today

1) The bear that got drunk at a campground near Seattle. Thuglife guzzled 36 beers, and this is the best part...he tried one brand chucked that to the side and switched it up to continue his bender. Read on @ cnn.com in the science section.

2) The song "What Are You Afraid Of" by West Indian Girl. Astralwerks DOES NOT put out bad shit, for real. This song is so beautiful...and it MUST be played loud. It has a Cocteau Twins quality to it but much more "extra". Yes, this might not make sense now but it will, believe me.

3) Mark Lanagan--Now I'm not advocating drug use or anything like that at ALL but I have to say this: I'm pretty sure Mark Lanagan's voice pretty much duplicates what heroin addiction sounds like and it sounds sooooo good. Now were talking heroin in the golden jazz age not the bullshit now. The song "Methamphetamine Blues" is just a balls out bluesy rock track and needs to be listened to...check out the version on the Here Comes That Weird Chill EP in addition to the verion on his new album Bubblegum.

4) The oral history of the Pixies in this months SPIN magazine. Almost as good as me getting MY TICKETS in the mail yesterday for the THREE Pixies shows I will be seeing in the NYC! You have to pick your obsessions wisely...

He totally Hamm-ered it!

Let me continue what I started yesterday...Carly Patterson, watch how Paul Hamm brings it. Missy, take notes, video tape it, do what you have to, but just get ready to get yourself schooled.

I have to say his performance in the Men's Gymnastics All Around was what the Olympics are about...agony of defeat and the thrill of victory all in one. When that high pitched high bar hooligan got the gold (after flying into the judges and subsequently dropping to 12th place)I was touched. As touched as you can get for men's gymnastics that is.

Dude is a pro. How in the hell do you fly off the vault, into the judges, regain your composure and then come back and win the gold?! I once more swear to Benecio Del Toro that this kid was trained by a pack of dingoes to be such a fighter. He knew what he had to do and he did it.

Now, it helps that the other little men ended up fucking up so that he could come back from 12th to 4th and then 1st...I think Paul was working a Jedi mindtrick or two. Look at his squirely little eyes, he's SO capable of it, I just know it. I want to say a little judge tampering might have been a part of this because the scores were just TOO close, but fuck it...makes for good TV. Oh..and Carly needs to remember this...when Paul won he was like, "No fucking way, stop messing with me bitch! Did I win?" He was geniunely surprised and was so humble and cool about it. I mean, I guess I would have been humble too...flying off your apparatus a la Mitch Gaylord in "American Anthem" will center your ass.

Even better than watching this "drama unfold" was listening to the comentators. When Paul fell they were like, "He will never forget this, he will be playing this back in his mind for days, years...maybe forever". Seriously, if these fools are looking for other job ops voice overs for apocalyptic trailers would totally suit them. Loved every overwrought moment of it!

Bravo to another night of me getting my life wrapped up in this damn madness.

I'm glad the Romanian gymnasts fucked shit up...

...and let me tell you why. First off half of those little weebles are probably orphans and own only one pair of shoes. For real, Google that shit. These little women live in a Eastern Bloc country that is still reeling from a evil dictator and have a coach that looks like he would slap the taste out of their mouths if they breathed the wrong way doing the triple sow-cow Nipsey Russell dismount off the balance beam. I just think it is tremendously badass to be THAT good and I almost shed a tear during the medal ceremony. When that one girl was just standing there with the tears and snot just kicking it at 11 I was like damn, this is deep...they are going to give her family an apartment with running water for this.

Now I might have rooted for the American team more if that little brat Carly Patterson knew how to act right when she fucked up on the uneven bars. You better be humble as hell kid when you blow if for the team. Oh, and when they interview you after you the get the SILVER (hello, 2nd ain't bad sugarplum!) don't get all arrogant and say, "I messed up, but this is just another competition". Um, no it's not. It's the goddamn Olympics stretch, bring your A game or don't come at all. Oh and while we're at it don't make that face either when your teammate is being very gracious on camera. Little brat, I will smack her, I swear to Benicio Del Toro I will.

And another thing...as my lovely friend Vanessa pointed out...the Americans probably had a make-up artist to make them look like baby harlots. The Romanians, shit, they had to put the Cover Girl on alone with a broken mirror. And if you noticed they didn't have the luxury of having half a pound of glitter in their hair like our countrywomen. Poor things barely even fit into those ugly ass leotards they were sporting. Those girls totally dserved the gold...

Okay, I think I have cooled off.

A few more comments:

*Ian "The Thorpedo" Thorpe...HOT in a really weird ass way
*Paul Hamm--sweet Jesus, could his voice be any higher?! I'm scarred...but he is very gracious and I wish him luck tonight in the Men's Gymnastics All Around

On a non Olympics note: Is it me or does the dude in that Avril Lavigne video ("Happy Ending" look strangly like a combination of Guy Pierce and Rick Soloman? Wigging me out a bit, but in a good way.

kexp.org--you need to respect it

Okay, so I'm a HUGE fan of kcrw.com--a great radio station on-line from Santa Monica, but I think I have now been seduced by this "other" station from Seattle. This is the kicker...they have a scroll of the song playing at THAT time and they archive ALL the songs that have been played that day and many days before. Simple but brillant. So when this happens...(inner voice)Was that Built to Spill or the Geto Boys playing at 12:45 (you know they sound JUST alike)? You have the info right the fuck there...time, song, album, label, BAM...what you know about that?! Another reason to get up in the morning.

Thug for life

My friend Adrienne hates the blind...the dogless blind that is. She got groped by a few of them when she was helping them cross the street. Just had to share cause I think she is badass for not letting the handicapable get away with the grope.

Wind beneath my damn wings and whatnot...

So I just want it to be known off the bat that the fabulous Tanya Edwards is my inspiration for getting into the blog world. There are just not enough words to express how happy I am that I will be able to get my self-righteous indignation on via the web. Praise the blog and TE.

Sidenote...big up for the Japanese men tearing it up in gymnastics last night. Yeah, I stayed up till midnight watching that shit and I'm going to do it again!