I can't focus...at ALL

Want to know why? Cause I'm THIS close to flying to LA tomorrow to go to Coachella...YIPFUCKINGEE! For real, the minute my girl Shari sent me the set times I was like well that is wrap for today, it's time for me to get my strategy on. So in case you care here are the bands/artists I plan on checking out during this glorious upcoming weekend. Remember, this all subject to change.

Let me clear my throat...

Saturday, April 29th
Depeche Mode
Sigur Ros
Daft Punk
Lady Sovereign
Wolfmother
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Eagles of Death Metal
My Morning Jacket
TV on the Radio

Sunday, April 30th

Tool (feeling are going to get HURT)
Massive Attack
The Dears 0r Murs
Amadou & Mariam
Ted Leo/Pharmacists
Phoenix
Wolf Parade
Gnarls Barkley
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Seu Jorge
...and Madonna if the mood strikes me

I love this game.

The Wu-Tang Clan and Michelle Rodriguez are nothin' to fuck wit

Um, you have to be some kind of crazy ass ride or die bitch to decide that you would rather go to JAIL than do 240 hours of community service. Is kickin' at the local Boys and Girls Club that rough?! Michelle Rodriquez's "ThugLife4Eva" quotient went up a few notches cause of this stunt. And dammit why do I get a big kick out of it and think homegirl is kinda gangsta for this cause you know La Lohan would NEVER choose the clinker. Well whatever might happen to MR there (wink, wink) is something she hasn't rocked on the outside. I'm just sayin'...

I'm ashamed of myself. Sigh.

Read the article....and thanks for the tip JBlack!

http://dailyblabber.ivillage.com/entertainment/archives/2006/04/michelle_rodriguez_goes_to_jai.html

Gnarls Barkley: This is the stuff

As I get SUPER amped for my annual prilgrimage to the mighty Coachella I'm jonesing to check out many an act and one of them happens to be Gnarls Barkley--the lovechild of Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse. Their album, St. Elsewhere, is not out until May 9th but check out the single "Crazy" on their site now.

Simply put. It's the hotness.

http://www.gnarlsbarkley.com/

Candis Cayne: I heart this trick

Last night as part of Easter Sunday/the blood of Christ bacchanalia, I hung out with Artie, Justin and LT and had a stupid blast.

Not only did we act a food at Cafe Cuba in Chelsea...charassco will do that to a girl...but it was taken to the next level when Artie had us all sashay/chante to Brite Bar to see the marvelous Candis Cayne hurt my feeling with fabulousness.

If you don't know her deal check it:

Homegirl is a trannie from Hawaii that is killing it in...lord I don't even know what circuit to put her in...not drag, not cabaret, well killing it in fierce circles. There is nothing worse than seeing a former dude, now lady, with a body you, a regular lady, will NEVER have. She has the best teets, legs, whole package. I was in awe. For real, I want her to be my drunk stepmother that buys me stuff. Or I at least want to have brunch with old gurl.

Anyway...we get to Brite Bar and sit down and I proceed to smile at all the gay boys that felt the need to smile at me like a monkey with a dress on. See, the queers LOVE me but I got out of the hag game along time ago so I smile every other time. Well I was actually very friendly because it was springy and I had a lovely black and white ensemble on, so I was feeling sassy and giving. But that is neither here nor way over there.

Back to CC. So Artie had told me many good things about the show but honeychile I was not prepared for the magic. The bar has windows all in the front so you can see outside...and I'm getting to why this info is important. So a handheld spotlight is kicked on outside and Crystal Waters' "She's Homeless" comes on and Ms. Cayne is pushing a shopping cart across the street on 10th Ave (all up on the projects, holla!) and lipsyncing. She makes it across the street and then dones a black wig and bust out some Liza/Barbra/Judy number and. Then she proceeds to whip off the wig to unleash her golden locks and high kick and aswirl across the street. Baby, this is a functioning AVENUE. She. don't. give. a. fuck.

Okay, so mama comes in grabs her mic and is just riffin' with the audience, being funny and whatnot. Lord, I was tickled. I could get into the beauty of the banter but I won't. Cause I need the time to tell you how she had a wind machine on stage and when she really got her sexy on she would let her hair blow and get her self backlit to the point where Francesco Scuvullo and Helmet Newton would have shed a damn tear. Feeling again, were hurt.

This would be the time when I tell you about when she busted out into an Annie Lennox moment and I was scurred of her. And then I effortlessly segue into how she busted out the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha" and proceeded to stop traffic, climb onto a chain link fence and then come back in for the dramatic finale and tell us how someone from the projects threw a bottle down at her. PERFORMER! These is NO half stepping here kids. LEARN IT! That is how you put on a show.

I'm wrapping it up by telling you kids that mama broke out into Jennifer Holliday's signature tune, "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" while collecting money from the crowd and bringing the house down. I had to grab onto Artie because this IS the song. Sigh.

The evening was full of fun, friends and dammit signature runway walks (Artie gave a masterclass on the way over to Brite Bar). I'm sorry if you missed this because it was much more fun than whatever you were doing.

Muah!

Candis on YouTube:
http://youtube.com/results?search=candis+cayne&search_type=search_videos&search=Search

Mama's website:
http://candiscayne.com/

Tool

April 30th, 2006.

They play their first show since 2002 at the mighty Coachella.

May 2nd, 2006.

They release their new album, 10,000 Days.

Right now, 7:05pm on April 15th, 2006.

I'm as happy as a pig in (blood) shit (and cum*). And so is my inner 15 year old white boy.

*Don't trip, there is context here.

http://www.toolband.com/

The Duff: Have you noticed?

Um, I'm going out on a limb right now but is it me or could Hilary Duff become a mini Heather Locklear? She's America's sweetheart, got that Aryan breeding, and I'm sure she will age well if she stops fuckin' with them veneers. Also, check it...

See had dated two musicians. The first one, I use the term musician very, very loosely, would be Aaron Carter (she was just a baby, didn't know no better) and the current beau is a heavily tattooed young man from the band Good Charlotte. We'll give him a name even, Joel Madden. My point is this, lil' mama is getting her Tommy Lee/Heather Locklear on.

I say within a year she will be dating a dude from an emo band or a Swedish grindcore outfit. 10 years time, Maynard from Tool.

I'm just saying.

Some food for thought kids.

I love a good junkie movie

This might not be Rush but I'm down...

http://cleanmovie.blogspot.com/

They don't make em' like they used to

Rest in peace...

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/13/us/13coffin.html

Silversun Pickups: A band I think I need to be down with

So I'm listening to my dear KEXP.org and they played the song, "Kissing Families", and I was like, "Um, I believe I have heard this before, but sugar, I'm feeling it extra now." Well I was listening to a live version from SXSW (I still need to roll up in there one day) broadcast on my favorite org.

Great vocals, with that heartfelt "the tide is changing in music (circa 1992)" vibe and just...oh take a listen. They are from the Silverlake section of LA (or maybe it's Echo Park or like Los Feliz, you know somewhere "hip" and bearable) so don't be too mad at them for being faux Brooklynites.

Anyhoo, check it out--and educate yourself by checking out their website.

http://silversunpickups.com/main.htm

On another musical note...

Find the song "Heartbeat" from a Swedish group that bequeath themselves the name of The Knife. Lead homegirl is on a Cyndi Lauper synthy kick...I lub it.
http://www.theknife.net/o0oo.html

Oh, and I'm into that Pussycat Dolls song "Beep". I'm not proud of it but that is my cross to bear. You win some and you lose some cause apparently I didn't learn when to fold em with this one. Oh well...

Enjoy the aural goodness.

Artie's breakdown of ANTM

Artie is my friend. Artie is fun-nay as fuck. This is his breakdown of last night's America's Next Top Model. He has put me to shame.

joanie aswirled* to quickly became my new favorite. a week ago i had rumblings of like about her when she was like "no one said..."yo, jade you look like a 85 year old woman." which was hysterical in an of itself...but yesterday when she said "im gonna twirl for JESUS!"...i was done. i officialy heart her and her soon to be removed snaggletooth.

jade worked the runway. workededed it. but she still looks like a trash bag*.

nnnnnnnnnnnnnn** bores me. she is beautiful though.gorgeous. but i went to school with a bunch of "afreekans" (i just did the voice) so i am usedto that kinda beauty. HELLO, i look in the mirror everyday.

i still heart danielle and slowly rolled off my couch when tyra called her ashy! HILARIOUS!

furonda reminds me of my lil cousin who lives in the projects. i betcha she smells like stale clothes. i wish she would commit to a proactiv treatment and eat a sandwich. otherwise, she cute.

the final 4
jade
danielle
furonda
joanie

Editor's Notes:

*This week the ladies learned to "aswirl" from these two fabulous blick twins from Crenshaw. Pretty much it's "extra" twirling. The bitches that had it on lock (Joanie/Jade) made me want to burn Paris.

**This would be Nnenna...who I now don't like. Her mother Afrika thing is tiresome. Also, she is mean. So mean that when Brooke this week said, "She should go back to Africa if it is so great" I was like oh snap, that is he-larious and she's got a point.

I love this season.

Get your Svetlana Boginskaya on

If you thought Bring it On was the Citizen Kane of Generation XYZ cubed then this is a must-see. I'm not kidding, I'm totally fandangoing this shit.

I heart women's gymnastics.

Sigh.

Thanks for the find Amanda!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/touchstone/stickit/trailer/

You can take the poor white girl out of the trash but you can't...You know the rest

I can't wait until Britney and Kevin end up on COPS and there is that cragy shot of her screamin' and cryin' at the po-po, "But I love him officer, don't take him! We were just arguin' over the WIC!!! I'll get you out bay-be, I'll get you OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!"

She is keeping it way too real.

Thank the Lord for The Superficial

Sean Preston Spears falls on his head
So turns out the Department of Children and Family Services visited Britney Spears because Sean Preston fell from his high chair and smashed his head on the ground. Britney took him to a doctor six days later after noticing how groggy and tearful he had become, only to discover he had fractured his skull. The medical officials filed a complaint to the Los Angeles child welfare department and the couple were questioned by investigators who were escorted by police.

According to the official complaint seen by the Mirror Sean fell from his high-chair, banging his head hard on the floor, while eating at the family home on April 1. Sean's nanny is believed to have been in the room. It is unclear where Britney and Kevin were.

Somebody needs to step in and just save the kid now, before we read in next month's paper that Sean Preston was accidentally killed when Britney and Kevin used him as a substitute football.

I shat you not

Point and click tricks. Corporate America has done (really, I mean it this time) lost it's mind.

http://www.consumerist.com/consumer/customer-service/smirnoff-marketing-team-to-teach-hiphop-classes-166859.php

Amplifier Magazine

So kids, because you are dear to my heart, I wanted to let you know that I'm now doing freelancing writing for a fresh little music publication that goes by the name of Amplifier. Anyhoo, pick it up because this month my Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins album review is in there. And in the next issue my review of the new Eagles of Death Metal LP (I say LP cause I'm old skool), Death by Sexy* shall be upon the masses. That being said...

It's Tuesday, and that means it's new release day so you need to get yourself out there and grab the Sexy CD (cause it's fresh) and the new Built to Spill. Why? Cause Death by Sexy is the best name of an album ever. Also, Doug Martsch, lead singer of BTS, is one of the finest songsmiths of the later 20th and now 21st century. I shat you now. Brah can turn a phrase.

Check it.

http://www.eaglesofdeathmetal.net/
http://www.builttospill.com/

*The track "Cherry Cola" is sexy goodness. Purr squared.

Pa, Pa...I can't see!

Aww fuck...
http://www.foodconsumer.org/777/8/Contact_lens_solution_linked_to_serious_fungal_eye_infection.shtml

You Tube...it really is glorious

So I somehow stumbled onto video clips from the group Lovage (Dan the Automator, Mike Patton, Jennifer Charles). I love Mike Patton. I once saw Jennifer Charles at a party and told her she was rad. I scurred her. Oh well. Check this shite out. You should hump when you listen to their record.

Purr.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiNLOahu8YQ&eurl=

Really, people need to think these things through

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/04/10/paltrow.martin.ap/index.html

What is the kid? An 84 year old runaway slave? For real, this kid is going to have an awesome career picking cotton.

Just saying.

Gorillaz

I could take up acres of space telling you all how good the last Gorillaz show at the Apollo was last night and how much I love my friend Brian for calling me at 7pm last night to ask me to go. There is the possibility that I let it be known they had a child's choir up there that was killing it. Or how the string section was a classy touch. I might touch upon the fact that this time the "band" was not projected on a screen and was actually up close and personal unlike the tour four years ago. I might also want to mention how Nenah Cherry and De La Soul performed and took me back to a time where all I cared about was a buffalo stance and being three feet high and rising. But I won't.

I will tell you that about five rows* behind us sat Paul Simonon from the Clash. On the way out, when I spotted the luminary (still looking so awesome all other musicians should be feel like warmed over trash, except for Josh Homme cause he is so rawk), I turned to Brian and told him to prepare to hold me up by my elbow cause I was bout to fall out.

That is how you throw a show. Swoon.

*Um, and yeah, David Gilmore of Pink Floyd was right behind us. That was aiight, but it was NOT Clash related. RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And guess what is pure comedy? Seeing Barry Sobel jamming out. If you know who I'm talking about you already know this stupid funny.

My Whitney Moment...

...is about to start cause I just received four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies from my friend Liane via her crack/crystal meth dealing niece (aka Girl Scout) from Colorado.

I'm totally going to end up shivering naked, alone, and in the dark, with chocolate all over my face by the end of the day.

Good times, good times.

Just when you thought Darfur couldn't be more effed up

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/02/magazine/02darfur.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Sigh. Just a deep and mournful sigh.

God bless Africa.