It's official...the Golden Globes are WAY better than the Oscars

Okay, yeah, I know, I'm about two days late with my Oscar commentary but I just woke up from the boredom induced coma that dog and pony show put me in. Let me break it down:

1) To the Academy Awards telecast producers...Just kill your lame attempts of being edgy...it's ain't eva, eva, eva, eva, eva gunna work. Alright? Don't try and parade Chris Rock out on your show because you know that Hollywood types can't take the ribbing he throws out to musicians when he hosts the VMA'S...musicians make for a better audience because they are already drunk or high and don't give a fuck, not a solitary fuck. Just because you loved Bigger and Blacker don't try and hype us up and let the public think you are going to let him do that kind of comedy...you will never be that progressive. Now if you had booked Paul Mooney, that would have been deep.
2) Chris Rock...baby, about 3 or 4 years ago you said in an article that you would not do the Oscars because it was an old man's gigs. Remember that the next time they ask you to do the show again. That being said...God bless him...there was no way he was going to succeed. I smell Ellen DeGeneres hosting soon...America loves a funny lesbian that likes to dance and does Amex commercials.
3) Um, next year why don't the producer not only parade nominees on stage and have them stand in fear as hundreds upon hundreds of people stare at them...in addition to the millions at home...but take it up a notch and shoot the losers at point blank range. That should give the show a fresh Sophie's Choice feel and kick up the ratings. Just a suggestion.
4) Oh, and next time you have a dark person...oh hell, anyone that is not white...host the show try to restrain from cutting to ANY and EVERY person of said host's race...we got it.
We are the world and the show director is lazy...blah, blah, blah. Y'all ain't slick-- my people were bused in and this is some Brown vs. the Board of Education madness right here.
5) And for the love of Bob Barker...please don't try and cop his game. Having fools get Oscars in their seats is some "Price as Right" shit. The presenters don't like like it, the nominees I'm pretty sure feel like retarded pygmies and I'll tell you right now I don't like it... so drop it.
6) Don't let Beyonce ever perform three songs...it was annoying. More annoying, the Counting Crows. There is nothing really to say...they sucked and Adam Duritz needs to be put out.
7) Hey Sean Penn...get a sense of humor. I think it would even you out. And in case you forgot you once did Fast Times at Ridgemont High if you want to put a few things in perspective.
8) Hollywood has beef with Martin Scorsese. Why? Cause he is Italian...and Italy is near Africa. Therefore Martin Scorsese is black. Since the Academy already gave Jamie Foxx and Morgan Freeman (well deserved!) awards that night they couldn't fuck with the quota. Seriously, it's a mandate.

Now for the good stuff...
1) Bravo for having Salma Hayek stay on stage for like 5 hours to presents awards and whatnot...she is on FIRE! Really, if I could just rest my head against her bosom it would be rad. And yes, I felt this way WAY before I started watching the L Word. Seriously, I would kill a small village to have her body...and I totally have a crush on my own set-up so this is saying a lot. Damb. Oh, and sorry Penelope Cruz. Any other woman that has to stand next to her is just going to have to feel second, third or forth rate...oh well, them the breaks.
2) For Johnny Depp always looking so uncomfortable. He is so not buddy-buddy with the Hollywood game and I love him for it. Let the Depp/Tim Burton weird union never be broken in that town! And yes, he was looking all sorts of eclectic Sunday night but no matter what he is one of the prettiest men ever. If he and Salma Hayek did a movie together I would have a stroke.
3) A big curtsy to the ever graceful Cate Blanchett...she is a class act. I read that in the press room they asked her if she was going to be a diva now that she won an Oscar and she said, "Oh darling, you have NO idea." And this was after she decided at the last minute to do her interviews holding her Oscar instead of her glass of champagne. The preference was the booze but she thought it might "look bad". I totally want to be friends with her and invite her over to have brunch.
4) The fact that we live in a world where Hillary Swank is a two times Oscar winner is just he-larious! She is like the new Jodie Foster or something. I'm telling you that season on Beverly Hills 90210 and The Next Karate Kid were some good ass training. Ian Ziering is totally going to win an Oscar any day now...I can just feel it in my bones.
5) Yippee for Charlie Kaufman winning Best Original Screenplay for Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. Wow, the Academy went on the limb and ACTUALLY gave an award to something that was really original, go figure. Anyhoo, the movie was genius, wee Charlie is a genius nut and big up to Michel Gondry for being part of this award and making a great film. Nice to see a brilliant video director turn auteur.
6) The shout out Chris Rock gave to Brooklyn at the end of the show...at that exact moment it became the Vibe Awards but regardless BK shout-outs always make my heart warm. You know that shit was for Biggie.

And now on to the Oscar viewing shout-outs:
1) Big up to Miss Toni Ann Carabello for hosting a lovely gathering for us awards show junkies. My girl always come through...and she made some chocolate chip-walnut cookies that were sick!
2) To Jessica Leigh Brown, my pal and former roommate. She was not only the first person there but she came straight from Connecticut after trying on bridesmaids dresses all weekend. Not fresh. She made me laugh like I was cracked out when in all seriousness during some point of the show she said that she has nightmares that one day she will wake up and Michael J. Fox will be dead. Yes, I will be TOTALLY fucked up if Alex P. Keaton leaves our world too soon but her delivery and timing with this was pure comedy.
3) I tip my hat to Hillary...a new addition to our world. Hillary is a new pal of TA's and she is super sweet and amusing as all hell. She gets the "Can Take Abuse From Toni Ann and Erika Like a Damn Champ" award...the new kids need to be initiated. That is the rule.
4) Mr. Read for not only coming out to watch the Oscars with a bunch of very opiniated gals (it can get mad ugly) but sitting through the pre-show and jumping in when we were talking shit about the celebs. Extra two points for throwing something at the TV when Star Jones Reynolds made one of her many stupid fuck comments. I loathe her.
5) Matt Laumb for FINALLY showing up and letting TA and I get really AMPED about showing him our favorite scenes from the L Word when the show was over...Showtime on Demand, again, is the best!
6) And me for making spinach dip...seriously I want to have babies with that dip.

See ya next year!