Christmas in Honduras

In addition to this being the name of my first album (and an homage to The Dead Kennedys) this is where I spent big baby Jesus' birthday (not ODB fools!)...and let me tell you, it was some good stuff.

Months ago I was going through some old travel mags and I came across one that featured "Central American Sensations". Now yes, I had the same thought as you might have, "Oh great, let me go to a certain region of the world where a coup might break out...that would be fucking awesome." In all actuality in my warped head I was like oh snap, a coup, that could be cool, I can get my Patty Hearst on and wear bullets across my chest. Of course I was not thinking of getting kidnapped cause brown Americans don't get snatched cause revolutionaries know that them fools at the Pentagon would let us just die---no one is going to make a damn political statement with our black asses. But as usual, I digress.

So I'm going through the mag reading about Costa Rica, Nicaguara, Panama, El Salvador (you like how I'm proving that I know what countries are in CA?) and then I read about this eco-lodge in La Ceiba, Honduras called The Lodge at Pico-Bonito...check it out: http://www.picobonito.com. It was be-tee-ful! It's located in the forest and it's like fancy ass adult summer camp.

Now yes, it's the third world, and I'm quite sensitive of that but if I can can kick it "Small Luxury Hotels of the World" stylee I will dammit! For the region it was pricey, for this land of ours...bargain and a half!

So this is what we did for four glorious days (the appreviated version right here, if I ever see ya you'll get the full shabang and get to see some pretty little pics):

Day 1 (we got there on Tuesday and just chilled so I ain't counting that):
Went on a hike with this adorable guide named Joel (pronounced like HO-EL...cause he like foreign and shit and it sounds sexier). On this little trek I got my exercise on. Saw some birds, almost slipped on rocks and cracked my skull and worked out my new Sketchers hiking boots...$39.95 on sale, that made it even sweeter.

Day 2:
Went to a wildlife refuge. Our guide was Melvin, he was fresh and just a really great guy! Love you Melvin! To get to this jammie we took a rickety ass "train", for real, I can't describe how antiquated this thing was but I felt like I was 5 and on some Disneyland ride. That equals awesomeness. When we got to the spot where we were going get our wildlife on we got in a little boat and it was on. And when say "on" I mean, we got our Heart of Darkness/Apocolypse Now on. On this venture we went down a river and into the thick of the forest. At any moment I was waiting for Colonel Kurtz to come up from the murky water and drag me into this world of militants and Dunkin Donuts cause you know Marlon Brando got fat as fuck during that movie. Yeah, I was a little scurred. Now the moment where I almost started squealing like a 12 year old boy touching his first set of teets was when I got to see howler monkeys. Did you hear me?! Monkeys! How great are monkeys?!! Now they are not chimps, which rule, or like spider monkeys, cause pocket size primates are killer but they were still monkeys. But these fuckers were gangsta. See when you get too close to them they get all agro and they will...get ready...poop on you so you can back the hell down. And guess what? We got a bit too close. These sumofabitches were done getting their pics taking and starting to position themselves over our boat and started to just let loose...shit was coming from the sky. Luckily we got away and didn't get hit but it was too close for comfort. Damn, they were just like Britney when she starting throwing milkshakes at the papparazzi this year except they aren't fucking a hack back-up dancer and are more educated. I mean, that is just a guess, but they might be into the cast of You Got Served.

Day 3:
My mom likes flowers, we went to a botanical garden, you know what those are about, I don't need to break it down. It was pretty cool. And we got to eat fruit off the trees...well my mom did, I was like I'm not going out like that. Period. End of story. Part two of the trip consisted of going to a Garifuna village. Let me get a little historical with you for a bit. The Garifuna are direct descendents of slaves that escaped and settled in Honduras...straight street. The village we went to was right near the beach and we got our cheap grub on...the skrimp was delightful and oh so succulent. Did I mention it was cheap? That is really nice. The folks that ran the shack/restaurant had a pet that was from the raccoon family that was chained up. For real, anything that looks like a rat and a raccoon wrapped up in one is not CUTE at all and should be chained up. It made those anorexic dogs that roamed around dingo style look like pampered little beasts. Just something I'm throwing out. This was the BEST meal we had during our trip and it was a nice hang. Again, my man Melvin made this happen. Dude is a real sport.

Day 4:
This was hike number two. It was three hours long and the most exercise I have had in like, forever. I mean yeah, I live in New York and walk everywhere but I usually don't walk uphill for 2 hours straight. The fact that I didn't sweat like a hog and fall makes me a winner. Heart of a damn champion. After that I laid my mochacino ass near the pool cause I wanted to get dark as night cause being a Blackfrican American and looking like you have jaundice really is not a good look. Black is beautiful dammit!

In summation, the rest of the day was spent reflecting on how great vacation was and how much I need to win lotto so I can never work again and just travel. I think I would be really good at it. If anyone out there wants to be my sponsor me or be my sugar daddy that we greatly appreciated. I'm pretty sure it's a tax write off. It's like some NAACP stuff, trust me on this.

Hit Central America, help out the economy and 80 degree weather in December really kills that winter of discontent thing.